Help! I (or my spouse) have ADHD and we’re driving each other crazy!

Highly recommend Atomic Habits for getting things done. 

Highly recommend Codependent No More for the married to/ parenting a spouse 

For that dynamic (ADHD spouse), I've also been recommending (in this order): 

1. Weekly family meeting. To discuss adventures, plans, celebrations, and have a moment to discuss opportunities for growth (re: PLEASE DO YOUR DISHES or anything similar) without the dreaded "we need to talk" invitation. This meeting works best if it's regularly scheduled, even without things to talk about. 

2. Skylight family calendar. Includes shared calendar like google cal and chores etc. This is pricey but... what's your peace of mind worth?

3. For chores, I recommend (a) fantasy football style draft of each of the things that need to be done. This creates a great balance of things you love doing and things no one loves doing. (b) using goblin.tools to delineate what EXACTLY "clean the bathroom" means to everyone. (c) whoever owns that tasks also owns the quality level. No micromanaging other people's chores. Recalibration of what "do the dishes" means followed by a new fantasy draft is always ok.  

4. (Optional) A roomba. I'm not joking. It's a little passive aggressive but it's a great way to get spouses and children to pick up after themselves. No one wants the roomba to eat their headphones or anything else they've left on the floor. A great name, googly eyes, and halloween teeth on the roomba are encouraged. 

5. (Optional) Baskets. Everywhere. Especially the stairs. Whoever picks up things can put someone's belongings in their basket for easy movement to wherever they belong. 

6. (Optional) Declutter. "Shop your house" for things you want to keep. Donate the rest. 

7. (Optional) Delegate. Kiddos can do much more than we give them credit for. Montessori is a great resource for which household things we can effectively/ efficiently delegate to our younger roommates. 

8. (Optional) It has to be done but it doesn't have to be done by you. Outsource? Meal prep services, cleaning crew. 

At least at the beginning, the spouse who "cares more" about how things run will need to be a project manager for a bit until the capacity building phase is over.